The Very Secret Diary of Sir Gareth of Naxen
by AlmightyChrissy
Summary: Answer to the Dancing Dove VSD Challenge. The worst 4 years of Gary's life. Woe.


**Title: The Very Secret Diary of Sir Gareth of Naxen (The Younger)**   
**Author: Chris F.**   
**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Tamora Pierce. The concept belongs to Helen Fielding.******

**Notes: This is a response to the challenge on the Dancing Dove to write a story in the style of _Bridget Jones' Diary. _WARNING- this story contains slash.******

**Set over the duration of _Squire_**   
**______________**

**Day 1**- Had horrible, horrible dream. Was doing very hard work and had Mindelan as a squire. Like her well enough, but she was v. v. bad as squire and kept getting parchment cuts. Am glad to be awake. 

**Day 3**- Raoul has taken Mindelan as squire. Relief at avoiding her lack of help has been crushed by realization that yet another person who is not me will be seeing him in various states of undress. Life so unfair. 

**Day 17**- Cythera stopped by. Gave me latest details on affair w/ Roxanne. Feel even more pathetic now. Damn Mindelan. 

**Day 30**- Have realized secret advantage to squire situation. Alanna no longer bitching! Kingdom no longer in fear of temper! Less damage reports to file! Hooray! 

**Day 45**- Have much work to do. Kingdom hates Jon. Jon hates much of Kingdom. I hate the new ink the scribes are using (smears too easily). Staff meetings are reflection of this. Bad energy. 

**Day 70**- Wish I had a squire. 

**Day 150**- Yamani here. Waiting for them to hate Jon too. Only a matter of time. Would hate Jon myself, but what would Father say? 

**Day 205**- Trial of stupid child. More people hate Jon. Saw Raoul! He was v. happy to see me. Didn't understand my resentment of Mindelan, though. Nor did Mindelan. Suspect if I corner her in any more hallways, may get reputation as dirty old man. 

**Day 220**- Party! Cythera looked pretty, for a girl and all. Saw Buri. Have bad feeling, not sure why. Will ponder before next weather report. Highlight was book room with Raoul (have bruise from shelf. will remember him by it). Lowlight was being dragged out by Cythera. Hate her now. 

**Day 225**- More parties. Am v. worried about Buri and Raoul. Why do women insist on pursuing my man? 

**Days 226 to 324**- Paperwork 

**Day 325**- Progress. Have to look pretty for months and months. Miss parchment. Miss ink. Miss weather and crops. Do not miss complaints about Jon. 

**Day 330**- Have discovered very big problem. Cannot sneak into Raoul's tent with squire there. Damn Mindelan. 

**Day 400**- Heard Raoul talk about me! To Mindelan! Life is wonderful. Still miss ink, though. Hands are entirely too clean. 

**Day 450**- Raoul showed up in my tent, whimpering about having Talk with squire. He was very traumatized and needed much comfort. Poor baby. 

**Day 451**- Will not bet against Raoul again, as is draining of Naxen funds 

**Day 452**- Forgot other half of bet. Will certainly be betting against Raoul again. Feel v. refreshed. 

**Day 475**- Mindelan vs. Cavall. Hoped both would die, was disappointed. Raoul v. fidgety. Hate them all. 

**Day 500**- Still not duke. Will never be duke. Have realized Father is immortal. Entire existence has thus been reduced being Jon's complaint department. Hate life. 

**Day 580**- Raoul having parties, not inviting me. Hate life even more. 

**Day 590**- Stupid child dead. Family upset. Raoul found naked with Buri. Life over. 

**Day 600**- Meeting to discuss Cavall's retirement. Had to see Raoul. He didn't even look ashamed. Did not cry, am v. proud of self. Jon asked me to take over pages. Said it will "do me good" to interact with real people rather than pages. 

**Day 601**- Hate Jon. Hate children. 

**Day 605**- Am broken. Hate Jon. Hate children. 

**Day 610**- Progress left. Raoul and Buri gone together. Hate Jon. Hate children. 

**Day 620**- Was called fat today. Am I fat? Would have asked Raoul but he is 1. gone and 2. sleeping with a woman. Hate Jon. Hate children. 

**Day 630**- Am broken and lonely and Raoul is sleeping with a woman. Will never become duke. Hate Raoul. Hate Buri. Hate Mindelan, b/c this must be her fault. Hate Father. Hate Cavall for retiring. Hate Jon. Really hate children. 

**Day 635**- HaMinch arrived. Wanted to kiss him out of relief. Kissed parchment instead. Now have cut on lips, which would be bad, only I don't have anyone to kiss anymore since Raoul is sleeping with a woman. 

**Days 636 to 860**- Paperwork. 

**Day 861**- Got letter from Raoul! Was v. v._ V_. excited until I read it. More hating of Jon. No mention of sleeping with woman. Have no hope left. Tried to sleep with a woman to get revenge, however Cythera was out with Roxanne. Hate Cythera and Roxanne. 

**Day 900**- Raoul back. Tried to lure me to book room, but I was strong. Fought a lot. 

**Day 901**- Cannot stay mad at him. Have decided that sleeping with woman is not so bad, and I am hypocrite since I married one. Had night of bliss with Raoul. Joy! 

**Day 910**- Raoul taught Mindelan to do paperwork. Thought about being jealous, as I used to help Raoul w/ paperwork, but really, do not need extra paperwork. 

**Day 950**- Raoul gone again. Apparently dangerous mission. Am v. worried. 

**Days 951 to 1199**- Paperwork 

**Day 1200**- Raoul back to prepare for knighting of squire. Will have Raoul to myself after Midwinter. Well, myself and Buri. And the Own. On second thought, will never have Raoul to self. Woe. 

**Day 1230**- Buri still in south. Life beautiful. 

**Day 1300**- Mindelan's ordeal tomorrow. Raoul so nervous that he was up all night. Do not mind one bit. 

**Day 1301**- Raoul free of squire. Refuse to believe rumors of Own riding off to war. Raoul not going anywhere if I have a say in it. 

**Day 1310**- Jon informs me I have no say in it. Hate Jon. 

**_End of Diary_**


End file.
